


Do Not Put The Hammer Down

by DriannaHarper



Series: A couch, two soldiers, and a pin up [12]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: BAMF Darcy Lewis, BAMF Phil Coulson, Hulk Feels, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-25
Updated: 2015-07-25
Packaged: 2018-04-11 02:01:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4416776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DriannaHarper/pseuds/DriannaHarper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things never go as planned.  And honeymoons?  WAY more complicated when superheroes are involved.  (Also, Green is the new black, and he still thinks Angry Birds references mean Hawkeye)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Do Not Put The Hammer Down

**Author's Note:**

> Joss Whedon is number one on my 'people I'd love to grab a beer and chat with' list. That being said, I steal from him, shamelessly. Many of Darcy's best one liners are spins of Whedonisms. I officially apologize that I'm not apologizing.
> 
> There is a *tiny* Agents of Shield reference. I'm only halfway into season 1, but I read spoilers, so I'm trying to keep this mostly spoiler free.

“Are we sure this is the right plan of attack, Sir?”

“Just stick to the mission, Agent.”

“I’m not second guessing you, I’m just worried-“

“Orders, Agent. Follow them.”

“Yes sir.”

Darcy does not like crawling through vents. That’s Clint’s job. But she does what she’s told, and she follows Agent Son of Coul like a good minion.

It’s hot, dusty, and uncomfortable. “How the hell does Barton enjoy this?”

“He likes knowing everything. And he hates that you always know where he is, so he moves around to throw you off.”

“Oh, poor kid. He doesn’t know Jarvis tracks him, does he?”

“He does not, and if you have any consideration for my sanity, you will not inform him.”

“Come on, Phil. You think I’m going to take time away from my ‘kind-of’ honey moon to run off your man? Please.”

“So why are you the one on this op?”

“Because my ‘kind of’ honey moon was already ruined by this invasion. And it’s stupid, and we shouldn’t have been tagged in, but we were.”

Tony and Pep were in Malibu. Cap, Nat and Clint were in South America. Thor was at a Science! convention with Jane and Bruce. This left Darcy about to get into a car to meet Bucky at the airport when the Tower was infiltrated. Hence why she and cranky agent-pants were in the vents to handle the crisis.

“These things suck.”

“Three by three metal constructs are never comfortable.”

“I could have gone the rest of my life never knowing that. And yet? Hey, now I do.”

“We’re… Wait. Darcy. We’re going to have to split up. Are you okay-?”

“We’re, but … why?”

“I can take out the guards around the perimeter, but there is another team in the labs. I’ll need you to be prepared to distract them until I can get through the external plants to you. You think you can do that?”

“Seriously, dude? I have this. I know you’ve got my back.”

“It might take-“

“I’ll buy you the time. Really. I got this. You just better get me a really great ‘screwed up your honey moon’ present.”

Coulson gestures to his left, and moves further ahead. It’s not the worst view she’s had ever had, but it is REALLY not the butt she would rather be ogling. She takes a breath, and keeps going.

She hangs a left, finds a vent, and stops. Because, really? What is going on in the room under her is the saddest thing in the world.

She pops her glasses to her forehead, rubs between her eyes, and slowly backs up a few paces.

“DC? There might be security around the area, but inside is all kinds of sad. They’re trying to read MY code. They’ve given up on Jane’s handwriting, and are going for mine. You wanna do sneaky, or can I kick their asses for making me late for my honeymoon?”

“Let me secure the perimeter, and then you can tazer them to your hearts content.”

“Three weeks ago, if you’d have brought a bag of flour, I might have rethought my choice in marital bliss for a statement like that.”

“…. Where did you get that footage?”

“You know Jarvis loves me most.”

“Indeed, Darcy. Agent IPod Thief, you may want to take a step back. You have an Avenger incoming. And very, very angry.”

The outside perimeter the intruders installed goes dark, and there’s a thump loud enough to make the building shake. Darcy takes the opportunity to drop from the ceiling onto the cushiest goon in the room, and starts throwing punches and kicks, screaming like a banshee. She’s got them whimpering on the floor, and is whaling on the guy that DARED touch her notes, when the door slams open.

Bucky manages to pull her off the pseudo thief while she’s still yelling “respect the science!”

“Darcy, baby-“he asks, as she’s still whirling around.

“Jarv, any other breaches? What’s the status on sing 4? The tertiary protocals?”

“There are the usual measures on the Tower, accounted for. This was the most closely linked hit thus far, and only because of the limited security features. Test Delta 3 R7 successful.”

“Okay. Okay, I got this,” she turns to Bucky. “Why are you here, I’m meeting you later.”

“The Tower was under attack.”

“Well, yeah, but we had it under control, and I was going to meet you, in like, an hour, so-“she manages before he squeezes her breath out. He ducks down to kiss her briefly before asking.

“Did you not get-“ his question is cut off by her palm slamming over his mouth.

“Crap, Jarvis, did you hit the alarm?” 

“… I was under orders.”

“Abort. Abort. Ah, hell.”

Darcy pinches her nose. “This is not happening. Phil? Can you make this better? Call the rest off, we have this.”

“They aren’t going to listen. I don’t blame them. That was… you did well, Darcy.”

“Shut the hell up, Agent. That shouldn’t have happened. Make sure it doesn’t happen again, cause next time, I’m going to shoot you. In the foot. It’ll hurt, and bleed plenty.”

“Don’t say things like that.”

“No, I’m for real. That’s the god damn LAST time I agree to start a prank war with you.”

Stark stomps through the door, up next to them, and flips his face plate up. “Wait, huh?”

“Yeah, that’s the only reason I was in the vents. I was helping him prank Barton. And, hello, surprise invasion! You better be happy we’re good at what we do.”

“But… you just stopped AIM getting a foothold in my Tower.”

“Yeah, because I had a three hour wait on my plane. For my HONEYMOON. So, I helped Agent glitter bomb Clint’s vents. Then we got stuck in the science vents until the fans went the other way. Then… Science! was involved.”

Darcy’s head drops a bit. “Think I’m going to go catch a shower. I’m all covered in dust bunnies and bad guy gook.” 

“Wait, where’s the Hulk?” she asks, stopping halfway across the room.

The others look at each other, confused. “He isn’t here,” Tony offers.

“But, the building was shaking, and Jarvis said that there was an angry Avenger coming to help us. I thought it was the Other Guy.”

There are more glances all around, before a slightly pink Barnes responds. “I might have set off a few explosives Jarvis and I arranged, when I found out you were late to meet me because of the idiots in the Tower. I… uh… didn’t expect it to be that… it worked!”

Darcy glares at him. “I thought the god damned Hulk was about to smash. I was already figuring out ways to talk him down in my head. There was no other way you could have done this? Or left it alone?”

Shaking his head, Bucky asks, “What else did you want me to do? My wife is in a Tower that’s locked down, I can’t get in touch with her, and all Jarvis can tell me is that everyone else is gone. That’s my version of kicking down a door, darlin.”

“I… have nothing to say here, except I love you, and as long as you have explanations like that in the future, you’re going to have the most complacent wife ever.”

“I can’t promise that. Most of the time it’s going to be me explaining how Steve thought it was a good idea, and I went along with it.”

“There’s the man I married that I’m’a fight with. Later. I need to shower. We missed our flight, didn’t we?”

“Yeah, we did. There’ll be another one, though.”

“There will be. There has been every time we’ve tried to leave for the last… you know what, it’s fine. Ignore me, I’ve been in Barton’s tiny ass vents for the last few hours. I’m just tired.”

She stumbles out of the lab. Bucky glares at the rest of them before following. “Bad guys wrecked our honeymoon, again, and we saved your asses. Make this good.”

Bucky catches up to her before she makes the elevator. He curls around her, arms circling her waist. “So, movies on the couch and cuddles first, or nap?”

“I think epic bath time. You may have to excuse the rubber duck.”

“How have I not noticed that by now?”

“Didn’t want you to get jealous.”

“Right, because the snooping archer in the ceiling wasn’t enough?”

“I’m not sure if he’s trying to get a look at you, or me, so no, I’m fine with it. We're both pretty. The duck, however, only has eyes for me.”

“How about I wash your hair in the shower, and then rub your back instead of a bath?”

“Like I ever complain about that.”

“Thought I’d give you the option. Didn't want to take you away from your squeaky friend.”

There's a pause. "How'd you know he was squeaky?"

"I..."

"You dork. YOU'RE the one that gave him the mask and the cat ears, aren't you? I thought it was Barton."

"In my defense-", he starts, before she's kissing him with both hands pulling his head down. He gladly lets the conversation go, and follows her to their apartment and into the shower instead.

They’re cuddled together in bed before today's alert is brought up again. “This is the fifth time our honeymoon has been interrupted.”

“I know, dude. It’s cursed. Maybe we should call it taking a vacation instead. Maybe the ‘honey’ or the ‘moon’ part make it code phrase for ‘bad guys calling the Avengers out.’

Bucky hesitates, and Darcy takes the time to roll on top of him and make herself comfortable. 

“You think this is going to make me change my mind? Did you change yours?”

“Well, no, but-“

“Good! I’m too damned tired to fight with you, right now. Did being married mean something different in your time? Cause, I thought it meant I knew what your deal was, and you knew what crap went on in my life, and we loved each other enough to work it out. Without this stupid second guessing stuff getting in the way.”

“Darce-“

“Are you leaving me?”

“What? No-“

“I blew off our honeymoon to protect the Tower. A lot of guys wouldn’t get that.”

“You’re doing this on purpose.”

“Damn right I am. You’re an Avenger-“

“So is everyone I know-“

“And no one but YOU is being stupid like you. Steve always said you had all the stupid, stop proving him right.”

Bucky rolls over, and traps Darcy half under him, planting his nose in her neck. “You’re wrong.”

“About what, dude? Our honeymoon being cursed?”

“No, I think you’re right on that one. I think Barton ran over a gypsy driving you to the airport that first time or something. You’re wrong about Steve being less stupid than me. He has all the stupid for seventy plus years.”

She giggles as much as she’s able. Long day, plus a super soldier cuddled on her equals tired and slightly breathless. “So, what are gonna do tomorrow?”

“We’ll figure that out tomorrow. We’re sleeping now. And I have Jarvis taping what’s going on in the holding cells, it’s going to be great.”

Four hours later, she doesn’t know it, but she’s curled up on her husband’s lap in the quinjet on her way to Florence. She always gets extra sleepy after she kicks ass in the name of Science. Barton’s piloting, and quietly talking to Coulson.

“If you guys are trying to figure out how to ‘christen’ the jet, don’t bother. Tony and Pep already did.”

“Oh, ruin my fun, Barnes,” Clint hisses.

“I will. Steve and Sam got to it too.”

“I hate you,” Phil mutters.

“Pretty sure Nat and Banner hit it in here at some point.”

The other men both groan.

“And I KNOW Thor and Jane did. They’ve done it everywhere possible to have sex and be somewhat… no, never mind, they don’t even care if they get caught.”

There’s no answer that time. Then again, everyone had walked in on Thor and Jane at some point. It was almost a rite of passage. 

Darcy grumbled sleepily, and pressed her head further into his neck.

“Yeah… then again, we got here first. So, dibs.”

“You… what?”

“Oh yeah. Darce paid a couple of the crew to take a half day. We were here before it was cool. Of course,” he continues, “she also managed to talk some of the test crew into taking us out in the jet when it was still experimental, so we got first flight too. My girl, she doesn’t do competitive. She just wins right away, and gloats later.”

“Who’s she, when she’s at home?” The question is muttered into his collar.

“She’s mine. And I’m hers. And we’re going off to somewhere awesome for our ‘not to be named’, for at least two weeks. And Stark gave us an SI black card, so we’re treating our favorite vent travelling agents to a vacation too. It’s going to be great.”

He looks down a bit into sleepy eyes. “Is our ‘not’ somewhere that’s awesome?”

“Of course it is, baby doll. We’re all gonna have a great time. I promise.”

 

Justin Hammer is NOT having a good a time. He’s in a cell in Stark tower, cursing the day he agreed to work with AIM. And wondering why his scientists don’t stay on payroll for very long. The door opens, and a tiny brunette walks in. He smirks, imagining just how he can talk her into letting him out of his cuffs.

“THAT? That’s the asshole that was trying to steal my research?” she yells, stomping her foot.

“Ma’am, I’m sure this is just-“

“Thor, get in here and hurt him. He ruined Darcy’s honey moon, and he’s…. HIM.”

“Of course, my Jane. Anything to avenge the Lady Darcy.”

Hammer is not doing a good job at smirking, once the giant scary man fills the doorway. “Look, man, I didn’t mean-“

“You will refrain from speaking.”

“Shutting up now. Really, you say it, I-“

“Yet, you still speak.”

Hammer shuts his mouth quickly enough that he bites his tongue. Literally. It hurts.

“Your punishment is dependent entirely on the Lady Darcy. She shall be your judge, jury, and executioner. Your explanation must be exceptional, to excuse you of your crimes.”

“For WHAT, man? So, I ruined her vacation, I’ll buy her another one. And I didn’t get any info from the labs, so what’s the harm, here?”

“The HARM, asshat?” the question comes from in front of him, where a large flat screen turns on. Darcy’s sun warmed face is in frame, with Bucky slightly off camera in the background. “You attacked my data, my tower, my HOME, and ruined my… did you call it a vacation, douche? It was my HONEYMOON. As in, I got married, the present you should have sent me was not a group of thugs!”

“You’re a no one, a bit of PR fluff, you don’t even matter-“

There’s a loud thump and a roar. “Oh, snap. You should NOT have said that.”

“Why not, sugar?” he asks, smirking again.

“You just pissed off my favorite green guy. And I’m not there to calm him down. Thor? Evac Jane and lock that level down please. See you when we get back.”

Thor ducks Jane out a door, and the screen goes blank. Moments later, a large green hand curls around the doorway.

“Umm… anyone,” Hammer stammers.

An hour later, Stark saunters through the door. Hammer is passed out in his chair, in a very undignified, smelly heap.  
Hulk is sitting in the corner, poking at the large flat screen that had been on the wall.

“Hey, big guy. Figure out Angry Birds yet?”

“No. Darce show Hulk Italy. See, pictures!”

Sure enough, there is a walking tour going on, with Darcy and Clint chattering away. Phil and Bucky are following at a quieter pace.

“So… what happened to that one?” Stark asks, pointing at Hammer.

Hulk snorts. “Yells. Then wets. Then goes to sleep. Douche.”

“I see Darcy has been teaching you vernacular pretty well.”

He gets a questioning look from the Other Guy.

“She teaches like a boss.”

There’s a firm nod, and Hulk hands him the screen, before curling up to sleep. “Smell bad.”

“It really is, big guy. I’ll make sure to have the cleanup crew hose him down.”

“Darce and Buck happy.”

“Yup. We did good, buddy.”

“Good.”

“Yeah. Now grab some sleep. I’ll need puny Banner later for Science.”

He pokes a couple places on the screen, and turns on the two way. “Hey, guys. Big Green is down for the count. And he made Hammer piss himself, so, win all the way around. You having a good time?”

Darcy smiles. “Yeah, we are. But I’m glad we can go do our own couply things instead of making sure the Hulk is distracted. He’s really okay?”

“I think he wants to tour Europe now, which I’m down with, but we did really well. He scared the pee out of Hammer, and then sat down to watch you pal around Italy. I think he misses you, though.”

“Ah, Tony, I miss you too. Don’t deflect. I’m going to enjoy my time alone here, though, so don’t you DARE try to call us in. I got me a husband to break in. And Clint has… sorry, and Phil has a Clint to break in, so you guys do your thing, and pretend we don’t exist for a while. We’ll be home before you know it.”

She ends the call, and turns to hear the three men arguing where to go next. A full day of fighting have her at her limit.

“That’s it! I’m done. Barton, do whatever it is you want. Coulson? You are SUCH an obvious tourist, it’s sad. Do whatever, you have a green light. No, REALLY. A GREEN light. You need me to be more blunt?”

Without waiting for an answer, she turns to Barnes. “Take me back to the hotel. Now. We’re ditching them, and getting onto the more interesting parts of the trip.”

“You didn’t want to go to another museum?” he asks, grinning.

“You didn’t want to get your hand up my dress? Cause, I thought that was more the point of the whole ‘we just got married’ thing.”

She managed to flounce three blocks away before Bucky caught up to her, wrapping an arm around her waist and kissing her behind the ear.

“We can do the pretty scenery thing, if you want to. I’d prefer to get you naked and wrapped around me as soon as possible, but I always want that. And we ARE in Italy, so-“

“And I have a Stark black card, which I KNOW he doesn’t check, so we can come back to visit as often as we like. We’re only in the honeymoon phase… actually, scratch that, I’d like to be in this phase forever. It’d be awesome. But, either way- hotel and hot sex, please. I haven’t had enough of that yet.”

The hotel staff doesn’t actually roll their eyes at the couple, but it’s a near miss. The two are plastered together as they hit the elevator, and only manage to wait until the doors are closed before one of Darcy’s legs is wrapped around Bucky’s hip. She tears her mouth away long enough to hiss when he pushes her against the wall, and then they’re back again, tongues tangled, her nails dragging down his back.

The elevator dings, and it takes a polite cough to make them draw away. They tear apart long enough to realize that they’re on their floor, and there’s an older woman trying not to smirk at them outside of the elevator.

Darcy flashes her wedding ring as Bucky carries her out of the elevator. The woman laughs into her sleeve, and smiles at Darcy as the doors close. 

“We just got the Italian version of ‘oh you kids.’  
“Baby?”

“Yeah?”

“Got your key?”

“Yep, it’s in my shirt. Wanna fish for it?”

“I’d have to put you down first.”

“Good point. Let me get it. Also? Best, vacation. EVER.”

**Author's Note:**

> I realized that I never answered the "Muffins" quote. It was from a short lived (but hilarious) show called 'Kitchen Confidential' (based on an Anthony Bourdain book), starring Bradley Cooper, John Cho, and Nicholas Brenden. The latter is a pastry chef, who delivers that particular line.
> 
> "Fine, you win, but I am not making muffins. Muffins are for people who don't have the nads to order cake for breakfast! "
> 
> Also, if you haven't seen the Marvel One Shot of Agent Agent taking out thugs holding up a gas station on his way to New Mexico, go watch that. NOW.
> 
> http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x19my9j_a-funny-thing-happened-on-the-way-to-thor-s-hammer-2011_shortfilms


End file.
